This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 18 March 2024

Pope Francis's autobiography 2 - our hero starts work

Our serialization of the book continues from Part 1.

Francis and Benedict

Me with my troublesome predecessor!

The Year of Mercy

Quite early in my reign I decided to institute a Jubilee Year of Mercy. As well as being very humble, I am also a particularly merciful man - except to people I don't like - so I initially proposed a slogan "Be merciful like the Holy Father!" However, owing to a clerical error (the cleric in question has now been mercifully laicised), it came out as "Merciful like the Father", which isn't at all the same thing!

My great friend Marko Rupnik was in Rome, and so I asked him whether he could provide one of his artistic masterpieces as a logo. "The most appropriate thing would be a two-headed skiing instructor with three eyes," he said, "just as soon as I finish some work I have to do with my 'Nuns in Bondage'." The NIB wasn't an order I had ever come across, but I was pleased to know that Marko was reaching out to these ladies.

An artistic masterpiece!

Amoris Laetitia.

One of my early triumphs was the Apostolic Exhortation Amoris Laetitia, which followed two Synods on the Family. In those days I hadn't yet got hold of the best way to run a synod, namely, to invite trouble-makers to chatter to each other, flatter them by calling them experts, and then ignore everything they say!

A few weeks before the report was due, I received a letter from Adolfo Nicolás, who was then head of the Jesuits, saying "Holy Father, your recent documents have been too easy for people to understand. Please insert some ambiguity, heresy and confusion into the next one, or we may have to review your membership of the Jesuits."

I think I did rather well. The result was that four turbulent cardinals sent me five Dubia. These were questions such as "Are you off your head?" and "What do you think you are playing at?" and they were very difficult to answer! So I ignored them completely, but made a note that a bit of Merciful Persecution would be needed.

Luckily, two of the cardinals died quite quickly, and one was very old. This just left my ARCH-ENEMY, Raymond Burke! I gradually took my revenge, so that now, at the time of writing, he is penniless, homeless and under order to walk around ringing a bell and shouting "UNSAVED! UNSAVED!"

Pope Francis and Cardinal Burke

Here I have him in a painful grip known as the "Chinese Burn".

Pachamama

One of my great triumphs as pope has been to welcome other religions into the "big tent". Muslims, Hindus, Aztecs, Fire-worshippers, Pagans - even Anglicans - they're all just following slight variations on Catholicism. So when the time came to welcome the Amazonian indigenous groups, we bought a job lot of Pachamama idols and showed reverence to them.

My dear friend Austen Ivereigh, who has already written six seven books about me, including "The Pope Francis keep-fit book" and "Pope Francis's insect-based recipes", told me that Pachamama was actually just a name used by the Blessed Virgin Mary: this sounded a bit TOO Catholic for me, but I let it pass.

Then what happened? Newspaper headlines worldwide!

POPE'S IDOLS NOW IN SANTA MARIA CHURCH.

FRANCIS IDOLS THROWN IN TIBER

POPE APOLOGISES TO PACHAMAMA FOR EARLY BATH

What nonsense! As if I would ever apologise to anyone, even an Amazonian fertility goddess!

Pachamama party

Just a perfectly ordinary day in the Vatican.

You may be wondering where the sex idols are now. Well, I passed them onto my great friends Marko and Tucho. They were delighted!

There will be more... probably.

Sunday 17 March 2024

Serialization of Pope Francis's autobiography 1

We are deeply privileged to be able to print excerpts from the autobiography of Pope Francis, Life: My Story Through History, subtitled Why I was right and all other popes were wrong, which is to be published on St Joseph's Day, the 75th birthday of the great Cardinal Cupich.

Pope's autobiography

All the stories that Austen Ivereigh never knew about!

My early career.

Born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, I worked for a time as a bouncer, throwing people out of clubs; I came away from this job with a black belt in the ancient martial art of Papa-Slappa, which I use whenever people annoy me.

I then trained as a chemist, but this was an unhappy time, as I rejected all traditional teaching (e.g. "do not put arsenic in people's sandwiches" and "acid baths can harm people") in favour of my own magisterium.

Bunsen Honeydew and Beaker

I make coffee for my friend "Tucho" Fernández.

I train as a priest.

After my unhappy experiences as a chemist, I was looking for another career, and my mentor, Fr Juan Perón SJ, suggested that I was best suited to be either a priest or a confidence trickster. In the end we compromised, and I became a Jesuit.

A few pages omitted here, Let's get on to more recent history. Eccles.

I become pope!

In 2005 I had already been a candidate for the papacy, but inexplicably the Holy Spirit, who has the final say in these decisions, burst out laughing and gave the job to Cardinal Ratzinger instead. What was I to do?

Little did I know, apart from the fact that they telephoned me about it every day, that the Holy Spirit had appointed an organization called the St Gallen Mafia, whose job it was to make sure that Ratzinger did not stay around too long, and that I should take his place. Apart from the Godfather, Ivo Fürer, there were other notorious people. I remember Martini, who put a horse's head into Benedict's bed; Danneels, who once nailed a seminarian's head to the pew; and Kasper, who made Benedict an offer he couldn't refuse.

Martini and Baal

Carlo Maria Martini and his Uncle Baal.

Eventually, the Holy Spirit caused Benedict to resign suddenly, and persuaded the conclave to elect me as Pope! As someone once said "Thus proves that God has a sense of humour!"

To follow:

* How I corrected the errors of 2000 years of Catholicism!

* Amoris Laetitia! How adultery became cool!

* Pachamama! How I came to love idols!

* Traditionis Custodes! How I applied Fr Juan Perón's methods!

lemmings

No backwardism in MY Church!

* Austen Ivereigh! How a garden-gnome became a theological expert!

* Synods! How to waste the time of your most irritating friends!

On to Part 2!

Saturday 16 March 2024

How Catholics should celebrate Ramadan

As we all know, "Ramadan" is just the Arabic word for "Lent", and it should be celebrated in that spirit, as several great Catholic leaders of our time have pointed out. First came Cardinal Dolan.

Dolan the Muslim

Ramadan is a holy season and Muslims set us a good example.

Sounds uncontroversial, doesn't it? We simply need to celebrate as the Muslims do. After all "Allahu Akbar" sounds very like "Alleluia" so we can sing either of these. Or, better still, shout them at people we meet in the street.

Personally, I try not to eat during the daytime but have a big blow-out after dusk. A huge plate of hot crescent buns, for example.

Dolan eating

Cardinal! Don't you realise it's Ramadan?

Then we come to Cardinal Cupich, who would not be seen dead participating in a traditional Latin Mass, but is as happy celebrating Ramadan as he is in one of Fr James Martin's LGBTSJ-friendly happenings.

Cupich the Muslim

Let's all attend Novus Ordo Iftars!

Finally, let's see what the relevant dicastery (the word means "circus" these days) has to say. Unfortunately, their ecumenical efforts only merit 5/10, as they refer to "Muslims" as "Museums", probably having Christianity's Sea of Gallery in mind.

Still, they have already received a letter of thanks from Tristram Hunt, Director of the Victoria and Albert museum.

Dialogue is always a good replacement for worship.

So where does this feast of inter-religious dialogue leave us? I can see only one way of dealing with this: ENCOURAGE THE MUSLIMS TO BE SYNODAL. All they need to do is to get a bunch of self-styled experts to sit in a large room and bore each other to death.

Meanwhile, our own Synod (theme: "a kenotic decentering as a new way of being Church") is now destined to drag on until 2025, or even later.

Endless Synod

Deo Gratias!

Wednesday 6 March 2024

Anglican Church to pay 1 zillion pounds compensation

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, announced today that the Anglican Church would finally be compensating the Catholic Church to the extent of 1 zillion pounds for the hardship, damage and looting that took place during the Reformation. He also apologised for the Reformation's "deliberate actions to destroy diverse Catholic religious belief systems" (yes, he really talks like that - I changed only one word).

Welby and Nichols

It's a deal!

It is thought that this money will be used in two ways:

1. To make all people whose ancestors were Catholics rich beyond the dreams of avarice, even though they personally did nothing to deserve it.

2. To bail out the Catholic Church in England so that it can finally build some half-decent churches.

Friar Tuck

Arthur Roche tucks into a celebratory snack!

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, has welcomed the offer but said "In fact we are holding out for 1 squillion pounds, so that all descendants of Catholics can become quite disgustingly rich without doing anything to deserve it. Also, we want decent churches, not half-decent churches."

Clifton cathedral

Not even a half-decent cathedral, unfortunately.

There had been some suggestions that the Catholic Church could take over some of the churches and cathedrals nationalized in the 16th century, but it was pointed out that these are now used mainly for crazy golf, helter-skelters, dinosaur exhibits and discos, and it would be difficult to return them to religious worship.

Peterborough cathedral with dinosaur

Peterborough Cathedral (with the tomb of Catherine of Aragon) is now a dinosaur museum.

LATE NEWS: The Lutherans are very sorry about Martin Luther, and they wish they'd chosen to call themselves after someone else.

Sunday 3 March 2024

The best and the worst

Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted.

BAD HYMNS November 2018

Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah

Bad hymns winners

Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.

BAD CARDINALS (I) February 2019

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019

Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro

LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020

Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread

UGLY CHURCHES November 2020

Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid

ugly church medals

FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021

Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick

INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022

Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine

PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022

Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman

BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

Bad cardinals

UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023

Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

ROYAL SAINTS July 2023

Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France

SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023

Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh

SYNOD JARGON December 2023

Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit

BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024

Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli

Bad Catholic writers

Next on my list is a World Cup of Catholic Leaders (living people who inspire you). Suggestions for further polls are welcome.

Saturday 2 March 2024

Vincent Nichols cancels Triduum

Catholics in the diocese of Westminster have been surprised to learn from Cardinal Nichols that this year the Triduum is completely cancelled, and they will move immediately from Thursday afternoon (after Cardinal Nichols has completed the ceremonial washing of the feet of women, Muslims, dogs and cats) to the traditional Sunday evening worship of rabbits and eggs, as performed by the Church since the first century.

However, three new activities are to replace the triduum, as follows:

Amal and Vin

1. All praise to Little Amal!

Another opportunity to worship Little Amal, the symbol of migration (or was it climate change? I forget). And if you don't, then she will send her mother, Big Amal, to beat you up!

Vin and football jersey

2. The religion of football.

Football (soccer) is already one of the main obsessions of the UK, and it is time that the Catholic Church forgot about all that passiontide stuff and celebrated a religion said to have been founded by the disciples. It is no coincidence that there were exactly 11 of them left after Judas Iscariot was, er, transferred.

Vin and Sikh blessing

3. This would be an ecumenical matter.

It is no coincidence that March is Black Transgender Sikh History Awareness Month, and we must always be open to alternative forms of worship, provided that they are not in Latin!

Roche and Nichols

Definitely no TLM!

On reaching the age of 75, Cardinal Nichols tendered his resignation to the Pope, as he was obliged to. However, the Pope is not obliged to accept the resignations of yes-men: trouble-makers are another matter, of course, and they are instantly cast into the outer darkness without a home, a job, or a pension. We have all seen DO NOT FEED THE BURKE signs on the walls of the Vatican. However, Vin is safe for the time being (and so are we, if they are really thinking of John Arnold as a successor).

LMS triduum

"Ugh! Heresy! Take it away!"

Saturday 24 February 2024

The Screwball Letters

A letter from a senior demon to a junior one.

With apologies to C.S. Lewis, who else?

Dear Slugknees,

I really must congratulate you on the success you are having with the man in your charge. Allotting you the New York cardinal as a client has given you a relatively easy task, of course - you cannot expect him to write pornography, to embezzle money, to hold cocaine-fuelled orgies, or to obsessively persecute those who worship the Enemy in traditional ways, as some of the other cardinals do, but there are still plenty of other opportunities for him to come into our power.

Your client falls into bad company.

As you know, I am a recognised authority on leading people away from the Enemy - I have led my own client, a Jesuit who lives in the same city as your man, into an obsession with "LGBT rights" - as he calls them - and he has gone so far away from the Enemy's teachings that he even refers to men in wigs and dresses as "she/her"! So you will be delighted to receive this praise from your dear Uncle Spiderspleen!

Anyway, I see from the Fallen Angel Herald that your man's cathedral was recently desecrated by the funeral of a "trans" person, which was riddled with sacrilege from start to finish. Rather than apologise and make a public act of contrition, he is blustering and excusing himself. When we can persuade sinners to brush aside their sins like that, our battle for their souls is nearly won!

My own man was invited to St Patrick's, but he was busy elsewhere.

I particularly liked the way your protégé said "People are sick of hearing about it, aren't they?" when questioned - we always encourage people to bypass the "Forgive us our sins" part of that grossly offensive "Enemy's Prayer" and simply forgive their own trespasses!

Also his "We didn't know the background, we don't do FBI checks on people who want to be buried" was stunning. I didn't realise that there were people who came to him saying "I want to be buried", but then I have never fully understood the human race. It is probably no more eccentric than saying "I want to change sex", I guess. (I'm sorry, they call it "gender" these days, don't they? Another of our successes!)

"I am the Lord of the Dance," said he.

As you have no doubt realised, our man has an obsessive need to be popular. He may once have had principles of his own, but you are keeping them suppressed by making him scared of offending any politicians, LGBT activists, etc. in case he is no longer invited to their dinners.

I really liked the way he defended himself when asked to discipline Governor Cuomo, who like that other "devout Catholic" Biden is one of our greatest triumphs in the campaign to lure Catholics into promoting abortion. Remember what he said?

"I say to the people, 'What are you all looking at Daddy here for?... I don't have much clout, some fat, Irish, balding bishop, talking about defending the Church?... people are going to say 'Ho Hum!'"

Perfect, my dear Slugknees! I don't suppose you can help him to become Pope when our present chap finally goes to his reward? If we can't give the job to Tucho, then maybe your man would be an acceptable alternative. We do need our men in positions of power!

Yours infernally,

Uncle Spiderspleen.

Wednesday 21 February 2024

The Frozen

Yes, it's a new American Christian historical drama television series! You thought you knew the New Testament Bible story, but the producers have now filled in some missing details previously omitted by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

The Blessed Virgin Mary (or possibly Nicodemus).

A few liberties have been taken with the script:

* All the action has been moved to Antarctica.

* All character wear beards (including the ladies), so are impossible to tell apart.

* Exciting back-stories have been provided: Peter is a drug addict and gambler; James and John are bank robbers; top Evangelist Matthew suffers from learning difficulties, and can neither read nor write.

* Jesus needs help writing His sermon on the mount.

* The five thousand are fed on McDonald's' Jumbo Offalburgers (thanks to an arrangement with the sponsors).

The Sermon on the Mount.

Say the producers: "We Protestants are often accused of Sola Scriptura (if it ain't in the Bible it didn't happen). We have turned this round to Extra Scriptura (if it's in the Bible we can't use it)."

The whole Gospel message is packed into 948 handy 3-hour films, and tell such thrilling stories as the trouble John the Reformed Baptist has with the Eskimo Soldiers (what do you mean, they're at the North Pole?), the episode of the Gadarene seals charging over the cliff, Jonah and the Whale (oh, was he Old Testament? Well, keep him in anyway, the viewers won't know that), and of course the Transfiguration at the South Pole.

Eccles verdict: not to be missed!

A shepherd watching over his flocks by night.

Sunday 11 February 2024

Eight bad Catholic writers

It's quarter-final stage in the World Cup of Bad Catholic Writers. In the previous such competition, in 2019, the dreadful eight were Faggioli, Ivereigh, Lamb, Martin, Rosica, Shea, Spadaro and Winters.

Where are they now? Well, Lamb, Rosica and Spadaro have fallen by the wayside (you must try harder, lads!), but the chamber of horrors has three promising replacements: Fernández, Lewis and Rohr.

So farewell then, Lamb Chop!

And goodbye, Spidero!

Shea - who tells me he is a humble man - is really enjoying this world cup, and voted for himself. But will he be able to go further? The draw is a real killer:

Víctor Manuel Fernández v Mark Shea.

Richard Rohr v Massimo Faggioli.

James Martin v Michael Sean Winters.

Mike Lewis v Austen Ivereigh.

The last match is particularly juicy as I have in stock some new photos of the contestants.

Mike, from the "Where Potato Is" blog.

Austen's a lumberjack and he's OK.

The quarter-finals begin on Monday 12th February.


RESULTS AS THEY COME IN.

Víctor Manuel Fernández 82.8 v Mark Shea 17.2.

Tucho makes it into the semi-finals. Not surprisingly, cheesy @chezami can't compete with the Pope's favourite pornographer.

Richard Rohr 20.0 v Massimo Faggioli 80.0.

The Babble-on Bean makes his second semi-final. I don't think Rohr has been trying recently.

James Martin 85.1 v Michael Sean Winters 14.9.

Well, it had to be Jimbo, the man they naturally thought of as someone to invite to St Patrick's for the sacrilegious funeral of a "trans woman". MSW can feel no shame at losing to such a character.

Mike Lewis 32.2 v Austen Ivereigh 67.8.

Two very similar characters - rude and stupid. In the end, experience won over youthful ambition. Mike would get the "most promising newcomer" award, except that Tucho has gone further...


SEMI-FINALS

Víctor Manuel Fernández 64.1 v James Martin 35.9.

Jimbo has been spending much time recently blessing sins, but this was not enough to get him past the porn king.

Massimo Faggioli 19.9 v Austen Ivereigh 80.1.

An easy win for the little man. Beans has been very quiet recently, while Austen is frightening us with the prospect of yet another book about Pope Francis.


THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

James Martin 73.4 v Massimo Faggioli 26.6

As expected, Massimo Faggioli, who occasionally has his lucid moments, could not compete with the Jesuit from Hell. Bronze medal for Jim.


FINAL

Víctor Manuel Fernández 72 v Austen Ivereigh 28

In the end, in this battle between Pope Francis's best friends, it was an easy win for Tucho, and Austen has to settle for the prestigious silver medal.

Tuesday 23 January 2024

The World Cup of Bad Catholic Writers - nominations requested

In 2019 we had the World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists (loosely interpreted as including anyone who scribbled), so now it's time for another. Last time the winners were: GOLD, Martin; SILVER, Ivereigh; BRONZE Faggioli; 4TH PLACE, Spadaro.

Martin and Ivereigh

The winners last time.

I've changed the title slightly, in the interests of Diversity - remember, as St Paul said: And now there remain equality, diversity and inclusion, these three: but the greatest of these is diversity.

To qualify for this prestigious competition, you need to be (a) alive, (b) Catholic (or claiming to be), and (c) a journalist, blogger, author, ... on Catholic subjects. The referee's decision (mine) is final.

So please let me have nominations. We'll give an automatic place to all those who reached Round 2 last time, as well as a few of my own favourites, and then see who else is nominated: to do this, either reply here or on Twitter. We'll close nominations when I think we're ready to start.

John Allen Jr
Tony Annett
Tina Beattie	 
Liz Bruenig	 
Dean Dettloff	
Massimo Faggioli
Víctor Manuel Fernández
Dawn Eden Goldstein	
Daniel Horan	
Austen Ivereigh	
Christopher Lamb
Mike Lewis
James Martin	
Robert Mickens	
Mike O'Loughlin
Catherine Pepinster	
Thomas Reese	
Thomas Rosica	
Mark Shea	
Antonio Spadaro	
Stephen Walford	
Michael Sean Winters	
Over to you!

Cardinal Fernandez

Most promising newcomer?

We'll exclude Pope Francis to give everyone else a chance in respect for the office he holds.

Monday 8 January 2024

Tucho embarks on a book-signing

Cardinal "Tucho" Fernàndez, Head of the Vatican Dicastery for Naughty Things, is now embarking on a tour of Rome's bookshops, signing copies of the reprinted version of his hard-porn best-seller "Mystical Passion", which, he explains, he wrote as a "clarification" of his previous soft-porn book, "Kiss me, Cheeky!"

Porn book

For those wishing to obtain signed copies of the learned treatise, described by Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is as "A little intellectual for me, but otherwise fine", Tucho will be at "Dirty Books 'R' us" at 9 a.m., the "Porno Emporium" at 10, and the Vatican Library at 11.

Mike Lewis

One satisfied customer (until the Pope changes his mind).

Meanwhile, we have had no comments from Pope Teflon, so it seems that he is still entirely happy to see Tucho directing the doctrine of the Catholic Church. There are others equally qualified to take over Tucho's job, such as Pope Teflon's good friends Marko Rupnik and Gustavo Zanchetta, but it seems that they may miss out this time.

Pope Francis

"The buck never reached me, so how can it stop here?"

Addendum: no comments yet from Lamb, Ivereigh, etc. as far as I know. But they probably need to read the book thoroughly - say half-a-dozen times - before commenting.

Friday 5 January 2024

The twelve days of Christmas

I started this song 3 years ago, got up to verse 5, and then gave up. Now, being totally lacking in shame, I have decided to complete it.

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Bishop Barron

...a bishop in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Two rotten books

...two turkeys' books, ...

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Nuns on the bus

...three old hens, ...

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Four cardinals

...four cardinals, ...

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Pope baffled

...five Dubia, ...

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Six Jesuits

...six priests a-preying, ...

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Synodal table

...seven Synners Synning, ...

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

 Friends of Austen Ivereigh

...eight clowns a-circling, ...

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Arthur Roche a la Warhol

...nine Roches raging, ...

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Pachamamas

...ten Pachamamas, ...

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Swiss guards

...eleven guards a-guarding, ...

Finally, on the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Twelve papal non-lookalikes

...twelve popes a-poping, ...