This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday 11 May 2013

Professor Eccles answers your questions

Q: Dear Professor Eccles, I was in London on Thursday, and will be in Rome on Sunday. When and where should I celebrate Ascension Day?

Eccles makes coffee

Professor Eccles makes a cup of coffee.

A: This is a difficult question, and to get a meaningful answer, you have to understand my General Theory of Doctrons. These are fundamental particles which emanate from a big machine in Rome called the Magisterium, and transmit Catholic doctrine round the world. Unfortunately, when they reach England they are often blocked on arrival by a chain of jamming devices on the south coast.

Arundel Cathedral

Arundel Cathedral - believed to contain a jamming device called a Cathedra.

Anyway, to answer your question, the moment your aeroplane flew over the Channel it would have been hit by a wave of doctrons, and so the correct answer is that you should celebrate Ascension Day the moment that the "Fasten Seatbelts Sign" has been switched off.

pneumatic chasuble

A "flying bishop" demonstrates the latest in pneumatic chasubles.

While I'm here, let me tell you of another exciting scientific discovery: the Hereson, or anti-God particle. This one acts as an anti-Doctron: to detect it, scientists sent Hans Küng whizzing round a "collider" under the Alps at high velocity until he collided with Tina Beattie.

Hereson

Hans Küng meets Tina Beattie and emits a Hereson.

Well that's enough science for today, so let's finish with a photo showing some of the deadly effects of Hereson radiation.

heresy

The deadly effects of Hereson Radiation.

7 comments:

  1. Imagine if you live in Gretna (Holyday of Obligation on Thursday) but work in Carlisle 9 miles away (Celebrate on Sunday). Are you under an obligation? Then, on a Friday, do you have to eat fish at lunchtime, but go home to tatties and mince?

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  2. darlng professor eccles - that last piccy should carry a health warning xx Jess

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    1. Bizarrely, there is a Benedictine arrangement of 6 candles on the altar - though that might just be for the Hopi ear candling to follow the Indian Head Massage. Is this the beauty parlour attached to Damain's hair salon?

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  3. "I was in London on Thursday, and will be in Rome on Sunday. When and where should I celebrate Ascension Day?"

    Simple. On Sunday get a bus from Rome to an adjacent Italian diocese which will be just like being in England- apart from mass in Italian.

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  4. I was hoping you would talk about Schismatons and de facto schismatons since the NO have a schism mass to bless their wiccad candles. Is this valid?

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  5. Charischismatic priestesses are always giving each other cranial massage & sometimes they knock each other out. I've seen some of them lying on the floor after.

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    1. That would be the Glasgow Rite (Kiss of Peace), I presume.

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