Dis is me, Eccles

Dis is me, Eccles
Dis is me, Eccles

Sunday, 30 March 2014

Justin Welby redefines sin

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, has signalled that the Anglican Church (well, some of it) will now abandon its resistance to same-sex marriage. This is part of a new far-ranging review of the nature of sin - the point being that it is anomalous for the established Church of England to be in conflict with the laws of the land.

From now on, teaching based on scripture and tradition will be abandoned, since it cannot be updated. Instead, following negotiations with the police force, there is one simple rule for salvation:

Welby in helmet

If it's legal, it's moral. If it's moral, it's legal.

OUTGOING: All those "sins" which are no longer illegal, such as wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony are now repealed. Fancy some Sabbath-breaking, adultery, fornication, same-sex relationships, or worshipping false gods? Go ahead, chum. God can't touch you for it.

golden calf worship

Only sinful if you are obstructing the traffic.

INCOMING: Make sure that from now on you acknowledge all breaches of the law: from now on, these are all redefined as sins. Did you drive a car without wearing a seatbelt? SINNER! Did you sell a wrongly-shaped banana in contravention of EU Directive E/1601303/ZLOBB/Q? REPENT, OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL!

Milibanana

Forgive me, Father, for I have sold a wrongly-shaped banana.

These changes will filter down to the liturgy of Anglican services. Out go traditional forms of words such as "We confess and acknowledge our manifold sins and wickednesses". Instead, we shall hear the following words (possibly set to a happy-clappy anthem):

PRIEST: Hello, hello, hello. What's all this, then?
CONGREGATION: It's a fair cop, Guv'nor. I dunnit orl right. 
prodigal son with pigs

The Prodigal Son realises that he's been moving pigs without a permit.

The nature of Good and Evil is constantly evolving - in the Church of England we have long since got away from the idea of a "God" who makes up the rules - so it is good that a logical doctrinal position is now being taken. Naturally, as time goes on, new sins will defined, and some old ones repealed. One all-purpose sin that is currently under review is Denial. Do you deny that same-sex couples are really married? Do you deny that whatever sort of winter we have, wet, dry, warm or cold, it is evidence of climate change? Do you deny that Stephen Fry is hilariously funny? YOU ARE A BIGOT AND A SINNER AND YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED.

penitent

Forgive me, O Lord, for I am bigoted.

9 comments:

  1. Darling eccles, you is not a bigot, only I is a bigot, but since you and I are the same rabit, perhaps he's like to say something :) confused Jess :) xx

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  2. The #bigotphobes are no longer storming the gates: they are now running the whole show. It is just a matter of time before we can expect our reward. Crucifixion? Splendid. One cross each...

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  3. Brilliant, Eccles! Thanks!

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  4. And in other news, Satan said to Beelzebub:

    “Climate change…? Global warming…? Ha! They don’t know what hot is…but they will! Down here the climate never changes…”

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  5. Renaming the arch-biscuit of Canterbury - Just Sin Wellboy.

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  6. Strange vogue today with popes and sectarian leaders wearing funny hats.

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  7. Aye, good brother Eccles, you dirty rat. Why you take my name off the marque? Im the only reason anyone comes to this washed up worthless pusillanimous tired ol stinking site.

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    Replies
    1. I been havin doutbs whether you was reely saved, bruvver Bosco. Perhaps you could explane it agane?

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  8. I had no idea that Stephen Fry and the police force were running the Church Of England now.
    It is difficult to keep up with all the new developments and changes.

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