I have been reading your guide Amoris Laetitia a little at a time, and eventually got to Paragraph 226, where it advises married couples to try a morning kiss, an evening blessing, waiting at the door to welcome each other home, taking trips together, and sharing household chores. So this morning I gave my wife Doris a morning kiss, and this evening I gave her an evening blessing. She asked me why I was suddenly behaving so strangely and accused me of having an affair.
I stormed out and went to the Jesuit's Arms pub for a refreshing pint of Reese and Martin's Old Peculier. However, Doris did welcome me home with a traditional blow from her rolling-pin when I came back later, so I feel that the Spirit of Amoris Laetitia has entered our home.
I have decided to surprise her tomorrow by sharing the household chores.
"Another satisfied customer!"
Dear Mr Pope,
We are happy to enclose your new Alitalia Catholic Diamond Membership Card. In addition to priority check-in and an extra baggage allowance, this card allows you to stand at the front of the aeroplane preaching on any subject you like: your words will be recorded and broadcast to the entire Catholic world for discussion, clarification, retraction, re-interpretation, and parody.
The Catholic Diamond Membership Card is a very rare privilege, and you are only the third top Catholic to be blessed by receiving this. The other two are of course Tony Blair and Joe Biden, and I am sure that you are delighted to have joined the company of such people.
Luigi Bertorelli (Alitalia Club Membership).
Pope Francis has finally arrived!
Dear Sir or Madam,
My husband Ricky Fathead has broken our washing-machine by attempting to wash the cats in it. His excuse was that Amoris Laetitia told him to do it. I am holding you personally responsible.
Doris Fathead (Mrs)
P.S. The cats are fine.
A victim of Amoris Laetitia.
Dear Holy Father,
We are puzzled by the following statement by your henchman Bishop Farrell, who is about to become head of the Vatican's new office for laity, family and life.
Although between us we have 50 D.Phil.s and a variety of other qualifications, we wish to admit defeat and put on record our opinion that Amoris Laetitia is too confusing for us. We know you did not write it all - and indeed have not read it all - but its wording is often ambiguous, and likely to lead some impressionable Jesuits into heresy.
Dr Joseph Shaw and lots of very puzzled co-signatories.
Dear Mr Bergoglio,
My wife has now left me, taking the cats with her. I blame Amoris Laetitia. So I have decide to leave the Catholic Church and become a Tablet-reader instead. Ha!